personal posts - 1 9 9 2

have faith in me

1 9 9 2

I can’t focus on anything I’m running around wild in my mind,
trying to find a place where you don’t reside,
Every thought and idea about you,
why did you leave me so soon?

keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out tonight and I have the time of my life so I can feel better about skipping on much needed sleep before a killer day of work tmrw

I was at a party with my friends, about 15 of us there. You had to go through a bedroom to get to the rest room. I had drank a few beers. I didn’t think twice about it. I went to the restroom by myself and when I got out I found I wasn’t by myself. One of the guys at the party (I didn’t know him) had followed me in there. I’m small, 4’11” and 95lbs and long story short I didn’t stand much of a chance against him. It all happened so fast and before I could get away I had been raped. No one knew that night.

Months later I was at my best friend of 6 years house, where I spent nearly every day at. We had been at a party so I was staying there to be safe. I had a few beers but not an excessive amount. I was still very aware of my surroundings. I felt fine. He tried kissing me and I told him to stop. He kept pursuing and I begged please not tonight. I woke up hazy a few hours later and he was on top of me, inside me. I wanted to puke right there. I was disgusted and disoriented. I woke up the next morning and left. He texted me and said sorry. I haven’t spoken to him since.

I helped my grandma clean houses for one of her friends who are no longer able. An elderly man that was friends of a very dear friend had asked me to help clean his house. He seemed nice and I didn’t think twice about it. I got there he showed me around and I was ready to start, but he had different intentions in mind. He didn’t rape me, I got out before that, but he touched me very in appropriately and held me back as I tried to get away. It was the scariest. I had already had two awful experiences happen, and now this?

I went home and tried to talk to some family and friends. I was ignored. I had a loaded gun and was ready to end my life. There were others things going on but after this, this was my breaking point.

But I sought help from a hospital and got better. Everyday I have to read about rape culture or hear it. I still know people who make rape jokes. It sickens me. I read articles that are heartbreaking/ disgusting.

I am now at a point in my life where I no longer suffer from the pain of these tragedies but that doesn’t mean I will be quiet on the issues.

This is my story and I hope you see that rape can happen to anyone anywhere by anyone. It’s just as foul as murder and should not be a part of our society.

I’m hanging out w my dad and grandma and it’s kinda weird bc we’ve never been like a close family were all a bunch of introverts but it’s also really nice I feel like we are a normal family right now

I’m going to get hella stoned then draw lots of pretty sea shells and pretend it’s not freezing outside

I’m so pathetic

I crossed your mind for just a second,
The slightest millisecond in your time,
But you thought of me for a second,
and to me it was divine

I’ve been so un-motivated here lately, even the things I enjoy doing seem more like a chore than anything else ugh

so last night was really crazy for me

long story short last night marked the one year anniversary of when I was raped by who I thought was my best friend

and I honestly probably wouldn’t have thought about it but I got invited to his house last night yes the same place where it happened exactly one year later

happy fucking thanksgiving to me

lmao this girl goes to my old high school, and is a self proclaimed model… and she can lick her elbow

lmao this girl goes to my old high school, and is a self proclaimed model… and she can lick her elbow

0 / August
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.


Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

-(via slashingsouls)

honestly this has helped my depression more than any therapy sessions or medications I love this so much

(via wondersinthedark)